Existence

A poem by Alejandra Rodriguez, Co-Outreach Director

When I go out to eat with friends I eat a snack at home first.

This way I will not be the Big Girl Eating a Lot of Food.

Men think it's cute when small girls have big appetites.

i exist for those who do not know they affect me.

When I was ten, I was asked out as a joke by a group of boys.

I wonder what makes Me the butt of the joke.

i exist for male validation.

My cute clothes don’t fit me anymore.

I see lots of tutorials on how to shrink the waist of mom jeans.

I don’t see many on how to make them bigger.

i exist for seams and numbers.

When I acknowledge my size I am bombarded.

Don’t call yourself fat. You’re so pretty!

I never called myself ugly.

i exist for backhanded compliments.

I am often late to things.

Before I leave my house, I examine myself in the mirror.

I cry when I don’t like what I see.

It takes me an extra thirty minutes to walk out the door.

i exist for a faceless piece of glass.

I may never fit the beauty standard. I may never know if this is true.

I will only ever see myself through my own eyes.

I cannot be deemed unworthy by the mere presence of inanimate objects and oppressive values.

i do not exist for you.

I claim this body.

I claim my sanity.

I claim this and this and this.

i exist for myself and only myself.